25.10: Holy Water & Burger Orders | Eldranis

The adventuring party decided that being level two was the perfect time to tackle a level four dungeon. They ventured to the forgotten Temple, where they successfully proved that with enough determination, poor planning, and sheer dumb luck, even the most chaotic party can accidentally succeed.

Session Summary

After spending what felt like an eternity discussing burger orders and equipment purchases (priorities, people), the party finally made their way to the ruined temple. They discovered the exterior had seen better days—like, several centuries better—but the main ceremonial hall was still standing, probably out of sheer stubborn divine will.

The temple immediately made it clear that shadow-cursed party members weren't welcome, with one character's shadow having what can only be described as a complete existential meltdown. While their shadow writhed in holy disapproval, the party managed to solve their first puzzle by stepping on stones in the correct sequence. This activated lion head fountains because apparently ancient temple designers had a thing for dramatic water features.

Their puzzle-solving triumph was immediately rewarded with skeletal guardians emerging from the shadows, because of course it was. These weren't your garden-variety skeletons—these were premium undead with void-enhanced attacks and a serious attitude problem. The ensuing battle featured the tragic destruction of Kirk's family heirloom shield gauntlet on its very first use, proving that some things are just too precious for actual combat.

Rather than proceed methodically through the temple like sensible adventurers, the party decided to split up and trigger everything simultaneously. This led to a delightful symphony of chaos involving broken levers, awakened guardians, and enough confusion to power a small city. Their "strategy" of divide-and-conquer somehow worked, though it's unclear whether this was skill or the gaming gods taking pity on them.

The highlight of their chaotic exploration was accidentally recruiting a radiant sentinel—a celestial bouncer left by Linnolaithe himself—through the simple diplomatic approach of "Hey, we're in the shadow-killing business too, wanna team up?" This somehow worked perfectly, proving that sometimes the direct approach is the best approach.

Their new celestial buddy proved to be a shadow-creature-disintegrating machine, making quick work of the temple's corrupted inhabitants. The session culminated in facing the Shadow of Brother Matthias, a memory-stealing spook who learned the hard way that teamwork makes the dream work, even when that team includes a divinely powered light cannon.

Key Scenes

Temple Discovery: The party found the temple and immediately realized one member's cursed shadow was about as welcome as a vampire at a tanning salon. Cue shadow having a breakdown while everyone else pretended this was totally normal.
The Stepping Stone Shuffle: Armed with religious knowledge and the confidence of people who definitely know what they're doing, they correctly navigated the pilgrim's path. The temple rewarded their success by immediately trying to kill them, because ancient temples have trust issues.
Destruction Derby: Kirk's precious family shield met its tragic end on its first day of actual work, disintegrating faster than a vampire in sunlight. The skeletons proved that void damage is the gift that keeps on giving, and everyone learned valuable lessons about reading stat blocks.
Great Temple Chaos Engine: What started as simple exploration turned into a masterclass in "how to activate every trap and guardian simultaneously." The party split up with the coordination of caffeinated squirrels, somehow managing to solve puzzles while creating maximum possible confusion.
Diplomatic Recruitment Drive: The party discovered that celestial guardians appreciate the direct approach. "We kill shadow things, you kill shadow things, let's be friends" turned out to be surprisingly effective diplomacy.
Shadow Boxing Championship: The final confrontation with Brother Matthias proved that memory-draining psychic attacks are no match for good old-fashioned teamwork and having a literal angel on your side.

Notable NPCs

Radiant Sentinel

Type: Divine security system with attitude
Recruitment Method: "Hey buddy, wanna kill some shadows?"
Combat Effectiveness: Disintegrates enemies with holy lasers like a celestial death ray
Personality: Confused by unconventional entrances but totally down for shadow genocide

Initially perplexed by the party's "break down the door and introduce ourselves" approach, this celestial construct turned out to be the MVP of shadow extermination. Proof that sometimes the best allies are found by simply asking nicely.

Skeletal Temple Guardians

Type: Undead middle management with void damage upgrades
Job Description: Make visitors regret their life choices
Success Rate: 50% (destroyed Kirk's shield, failed to destroy Kirk)

Former temple security who got the ultimate performance review. Now featuring void damage because regular death wasn't scary enough. Resistant to fire but apparently not to being turned into pretzels.

Shadow of Brother Matthias

Type: Memory-stealing spook with commitment issues
Special Ability: Forgets people exist when convenient
Weakness: Overwhelming firepower and friendship

Once human, now a shade with the unpleasant habit of stealing memories. Learned that psychic attacks are less effective when your targets have a celestial backup dancer.

Temple Guardian

Type: Stoic doorway decoration
Management Style: "I'll just stand here menacingly"
Territorial Range: Exactly one doorway

Awakened by the party's mechanical fumbling but content to just vibe in his doorway. The strong, silent type who believes in work-life boundaries.

Key Locations

Temple

Condition: "Vintage" (ancient and crumbling)
Security System: Actively hostile to visitors
Shadow Policy: Strictly prohibited

An ancient temple that's seen better millennia. Features challenging puzzles, aggressive wildlife, and a strict no-shadows policy that makes certain party members very uncomfortable.

Main Ceremonial Hall

Features: Reflecting pool, dramatic stepping stones, judgmental lion heads
Atmosphere: "Holy with a side of ominous"

The temple's main event space, complete with water features that activate when you solve puzzles correctly. The stepping stones came with religious symbolism and a warranty that expired several centuries ago.

Temple Corridor System

Design Philosophy: "Make everything a puzzle"
Accessibility Rating: Terrible
Maintenance Status: What maintenance?

A network of passages featuring enough mechanical complexity to make an engineer weep. Gates, levers, and mechanisms everywhere because apparently ancient architects believed in job security through over-engineering.

Lion's Mouth Chamber

Entry Method: Brute force and determination
Contents: One very confused celestial

The temple's VIP room, accessible only through aggressive door manipulation and questionable mechanical skills. Houses the radiant sentinel who was not expecting visitors to arrive via unauthorized demolition.

Important Items & Equipment

Dungeon Heart Artifact

Status: Heavily guarded
Purpose: Probably important
Security Level: "Touch it and die"

A mysterious heart-like artifact that appeared when the party started messing with temple machinery. Currently under the protection of a guardian who takes his job very seriously.

Kirk's Ex-Shield Gauntlet

Condition: Atomized
Service Record: One battle
Final Words: disintegration sounds

A family heirloom that served faithfully for exactly one combat encounter before achieving its dream of becoming scattered particles. Proof that some things are too nice to actually use.

Holy Symbol (25 GP)

Found: In temple pool
Condition: Surprisingly intact
Previous Owner: Someone with better luck than Kirk's shield

A religious trinket that survived whatever happened to this temple better than most of its human occupants.

Temple Mechanisms

Functionality: Questionable
User Manual: Lost centuries ago
Success Rate: Varies wildly

Various winches, levers, and contraptions that control temple functions. Operating instructions not included, assembly required, warranty voided by time and neglect.

Spells & Abilities Used

Divine Lance: The undead's least favorite spell, delivering spirit damage with religious enthusiasm
Defended by Spirits: Summons shadow bodyguards who don't appreciate being attacked
Elemental Blast: Fire attacks that taught everyone about damage resistance the hard way
Telekinetic Projectile: Because sometimes you need to throw rocks with your mind
Three-Action Heal: Area healing that doubles as undead pest control
Hydraulic Push: Spell and sword combo that definitively answered "why not both?"

Experience & Progression

Total XP Gained: 825 (so close to level 3 you can taste it)
Combat Encounters: Skeletons, shadows, and one very confused guardian
Puzzle Solutions: 1 stepping stone ritual, several mechanical mishaps
Diplomatic Successes: 1 celestial recruitment
Equipment Casualties: 1 shield (never forget)
Treasure Value: ~29 GP (not including therapy costs)

The party proved that with enough chaos, determination, and divine intervention, even the most disorganized group can stumble their way to success. They're now tantalizingly close to level 3, assuming they can survive their own tactical decisions long enough to claim it.

Hilarious Moments & Table Highlights

"Two and a Half Healers"
The party's composition led to sitcom-style introductions and debates about healing credentials. Charlie Sheen was notably unavailable for comment.

Kirk's Shield Gauntlet Tragedy
The most expensive single-use item in party history. Kirk's family heirloom lasted exactly one combat encounter before achieving its final form: dust. "Baby's First Shield" became "Baby's Last Shield" in record time.

The Struggling Shadow
One character's cursed shadow experienced what can only be described as a religious crisis, "on the struggle bus" and flickering like a dying lightbulb in the holy temple. Even curses have their limits.

Mythic Barbarian Licensing Issues
The barbarian discovered they weren't barbarian enough to barbarian properly without mythic intervention. Apparently there's a minimum aggression requirement that wasn't being met.

Vasuki's Pretzel Academy
Successfully demonstrated advanced skeleton-folding techniques, turning an undead warrior into a bone-based snack food. The restraint was so thorough the skeleton probably needed therapy.

The Great Lion's Mouth Obsession
While chaos erupted throughout the temple, two party members remained laser-focused on their original mission: opening one very stubborn door through sheer bloody-mindedness and rope-assisted lever manipulation.

Slut Squad Tactical Formations
The party's self-designated nickname led to various battle strategies and point systems that would make military strategists question everything.

Combat Catering
Extended burger ordering discussions during initiative order, because apparently life-or-death combat is the perfect time to debate pickle placement and sauce distribution.

The Celestial Recruitment Pitch
"We're in the shadow-killing business" turned out to be the perfect elevator pitch for divine beings. Sometimes honesty really is the best policy.

Strategic Chaos Theory
The party's approach of "split up and activate everything simultaneously" somehow worked, proving that occasionally the universe has a sense of humor.

Feline Combat Consultants
Real-world cats provided running commentary on tactical decisions, dice rolls, and the general competency of their human servants during critical moments.

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